Dealing With Loss
by Lady of Snow
Summary: Iruka has lost a lot of things in his lifetime. Now's he's dealing with the aftermath of Kakashi's death. Kakashi/Iruka


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto nor will I ever.

It could be said that Iruka should be used to things he loves being ripped away from him.

When he was little all he wanted was to become a great ninja just like his father. His father who came back from missions to the warmth of their house to hug his mother and tell him stories of distant lands. This dream was dashed when he overheard his parents talking. He was sneaking out to the kitchen for a glass of water when he passed their partly open door.

'I'm worried about Iruka becoming a ninja.'

'That doesn't make sense, we're ninja.'

'Well, yes, but Ruka's such a sweet boy. I don't wish him to have the same life we did.'

The next morning over breakfast Iruka casually mentions how he doesn't want to start at the academy anymore. He'd much rather open up a ramen shop somewhere. It would suit him much better than becoming a ninja. The way his mother's smile lights up her face is almost worth it.

Kyuubi's attack on Konoha changed Iruka's life in so many different ways. Many lost siblings, friends, teachers, and parents. Iruka lost both of his with no other family in Konoha. He was alone in total definition of the word. One of the few orphans left with no one to stay with, the Sandaime afforded him a small apartment much like the one given to Naruto. His family home was boarded up and left behind. All he took with him were necessary items for the new apartment – his clothes, books, kitchen supplies, and such. Among what he left behind were his father's scrolls and his mother's favorite forest green kimono.

As time passes he gets used to living alone. Having no one to answer to when he wants to go somewhere. Making what he wants for dinner. Staying up late reading comics on the couch. As time goes on he feels as if his memories from when his parents were alive fade the longer he's away from his home.

His new dream is born shortly after the Kyuubi is sealed. Now that he has no mother to protest he will enter the academy and graduate as soon as possible. He will become the greatest ninja Konoha has had. That way no one will have to lose their precious people again.

Going to the academy isn't quite what he expected. The other kids either ignore him or pick on him. They're all slightly younger – seeing as he started later than most, this is what they pick on him for. They ask if he was such a bad ninja that they held him back. If he was as stupid as the big kids said. If his parents were ashamed. It was exhausting trying to explain he had no parents to shame to people who weren't really listening anyway that after awhile he just stopped. Instead he started doing pranks – anything to get their attention. He was held after class, punished in numerous ways including not getting to do the fun things others in his class were – but it didn't matter because someone was _looking_ at him without pity. [_'Don't you know, that boy lost both parents to the Kyuubi?']_

His dream was pushed slightly out of reach because of this but not unattainable. He graduated a little later than he originally planned but he was a genin now and that's what mattered. He would work twice as hard to make chunin now. Making chunin was an entirely different story than saying he was going to make chunin. The year he tested they went into the forest of death. His team barely got out of there in tack, the other teams not fairing much better. He wouldn't wish that forest on anyone. All of it was worth it though when he shrugged on his brand new chunin vest.

The dream of being the ultimate ninja ends when he wants to test for jounin. His chakra levels are subpar at best. No one caught it sooner because they were more focused on making him behave rather than making him a ninja. They told him he was lucky he even made chunin. He listlessly completes missions until he is taken aside by the Sandaime. The Sandaime has a favor to ask that will reshape Iruka's dream. Their short on staff at the academy and Iruka was a prankster so he'd know all the students pranks. Iruka becomes a teacher with the mindset that if he can't do it than he will teach the next wave of ninja how to truly protect Konoha.

His first day he makes his first honest to goodness friend by spilling coffee all over him. Mizuki looks like he wants to punch Iruka until he breaks into laughter at the scared face Iruka's making. From that day forward they're inseparable – they take lunch together, grade papers, and discuss lesson plans. When it turned into more Iruka can't really say as it just seemed to happen over time. He thinks how lucky he is to have his best friend as his lover.

What Iruka can say is that he never saw Mizuki's betrayal coming. Naruto's face is honest when he says it was Mizuki-sensei who told him about the scroll. Even so Iruka didn't want to believe it until the blade was in his back. Which it was – and he was looking down at Naruto who looked back in shock. It would have been easy to hate Naruto. Naruto who contained the Kyuubi who destroyed any semblance of a _home_ he had. Kyuubi who had killed his parents in one night. Naruto who gave him headaches daily. Naruto who played pranks and was flunking and _was so much like him it hurt to look at him._ Iruka never really liked doing the easy thing anyway.

Naruto isn't ripped away so much as tugged away by the completely normal act of growing up. All the same Iruka is surprised at how much time has passed. He has missions to complete and Jiraiya to train with. People everywhere look at him with the respect and love he's deserved all along.

It could be said that Iruka should be used to things he loves being ripped away from him but that would be a lie.

It's absolutely gorgeous out. There's not a cloud in the sky and a nice breeze is rolling through the town. _Except it's all so wrong._ No one is out enjoying the day. Kids aren't begging to be let out of class early. No Iruka is standing amongst friends, colleagues, and past/present/future students at a funeral. His lover's funeral. _Kakashi's funeral._

He holds his tears through the whole ceremony wanting to cry in his own home. When he does get back to his apartment [and only his now] the tears won't come, instead only a blinding rage. Books are ripped off shelves, notebooks shoved off the desk, laundry thrown everywhere. Interspersed with the damage are broken sentences.

'-you're the copy-nin-'

'how could you-'

'-said you were invincible!-'

'-not come back-'

'-naruto will never forgive you-'

'-to me!-'

'some ninja you are!!! Oh god, _were-'_

Iruka slumps to the floor amongst the chaos he's created. Shaking the tears finally come. They don't stop until well after dark. He lies down between the couch and the coffee table to sleep. Too exhausted and uncaring to move to the bedroom. All around the apartment things are not where they should be such as Iruka [and Kakashi]. Looking closely though you'll notice buried beneath Iruka's things he tossed to the floor in his anger are all Kakashi's belongings. Seemingly hidden as though they can't be bared to look at.

Awakening in the morning – or at least what he thinks is the morning – Iruka feels refreshed [which is complete bullshit]. Finding he has time to have breakfast before classes start he makes some toast and has a quick cup of coffee. Which has everything to do with how little time he has to get ready and nothing to do with how incredibly nauseous he feels over yesterday's events.

Carrying on teaching his classes as if nothing happened seems to work for him for awhile. Awhile being exactly three days into the week. During lunch he sits down with his lesson plan intent on getting a head start on next months. Slipping out from amongst the pages is a small folded note. Opening it with obvious hesitation Iruka begins to read it.

'Ruka –

I was called out on a mission to Wave so I'll be later for dinner on Thursday than expected. I'll bring miso soup! '

Instead of a signature at the bottom was a little scarecrow drawing which made it unmistakably Kakashi's [as if he didn't know before even picking it up].

He remembers exactly what this note is talking about. Kakashi showed up at their home too beat up to do anything. After cleaning his wounds and tucking him in bed, Iruka headed out to get pick up some take-out. There was no miso soup that night, although it was a small price to pay for having Kakashi home _alive._

The world seems to crash –of course it doesn't this is only his wishful thinking- this is the last note he'll ever receive from Kakashi. No more surprises amongst his papers, no more little scarecrows, _no more dinners._ In a flash he's out the door substitute on his way as though the hokage knew this would happen.

Home isn't as much of a safe haven as he would have hoped. Busying himself at the academy and the mission's desk he hasn't had time to clean his apartment after the disaster hit it –namely himself.

Sleeping though sounds nice. Sleep quickly becomes an escape once he learns that he's on leave from the academy. It takes up his day, for some reason he feels exhausted all the time, but most importantly he doesn't have to think. He doesn't cry anymore and it's been weeks so he tries to tell himself he's getting better, moving on.

Cleaning around the apartment doesn't seem as daunting as it once did. New sheets are put on the bed that he plans on sleeping on tonight. Laundry is separated into loads for later. Papers to grade are stacked, dishes are washed. It's when he comes to the bookcase that he pauses. Iruka never noticed how _orange_ Icha Icha was before. Which is absurd since the whole cover is in fact orange. But when his hand inches closer to pick up a volume it just seems too _orange_. So he heads to the kitchen to make coffee where presumably it's less _orange._

His hands are shaking –what's the last thing he ate? Or rather when was the last time?- He doesn't realize how badly he's shaking until the mug in his hands drops to the floor shattering. It isn't just any old mug. It's his #1 Sensei mug Kakashi of all people got him. Probably trying to be dirty or sweet or both. His mug Kakashi gave him. Before Iruka registers what he's doing he's on the floor picking up the pieces. Only stopping when one slices his hand open. This is when how ridiculous he's being hits him.

He'll have to move out. It's not the same without Kakashi since this was theirs. Technically its always been Iruka's, Kakashi just started strategically moving in things until he was all moved in. Nevertheless, continuing to live here is what's keeping him back. From moving on, from going on, from living on – _without Kakashi._

This is when the sobbing starts. He's rocking back and forth, clutching his wounded hand to his heart as if that would help make it stop _hurting._

He can't move from here. This is all he has left of Kakashi. He lived in these walls, made breakfast for Iruka here, slept in the bed, read that atrocious porn here, made love to Iruka here – What if he forgot things like he forgot about his parents?

Iruka lived here before Kakashi, when it was his and his alone [it was his sanctuary, his solitude, _his prison_] and so it will be again.

[_You never quite get used to your heartbreaking]_

Author's Note: Thanks for reading and if you have the time leave me a review to let me know what you thought.


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